On The Road To Recovery

My Journey Through Parenthood is not always a happy, smooth-sailing, enjoyable ride.  Every now and again I find myself stuck on a one-way road that's headed in the wrong direction.  A road that's full of potholes, speed bumps and other obstacles causing time consuming delays in getting back on the right road again!  This is the road I found myself on during the majority of this month.  It's been challenging and exhausting but I think I'm finally headed in the right direction again, On The Road To Recovery -- and not a moment too soon at that!

Sebastian has suffered through 2 major ear infections over the course of just a couple of weeks.  During that time he had 7 teeth break through the gums.  7 teeth -- all at once -- ouch!  He spent all of last week struggling with a fever that went as high as 105.  The word 'miserable' doesn't even begin to describe how he felt.  No amount of antibiotics or fever-reducers seemed to ease his pain or discomfort for very long.  His days have been long, his nights longer.  And so are mine..

Knowing that he is only crying because he's in pain absolutely breaks my heart. I feel what he feels. I've spent endless hours trying to comfort him; holding him, rocking him, walking with him, laying with him.  Whether he needs me at 2P or 2A I am there.  It's my job, as his Mom, to let him know that we're in this together.  

It's been a very long time since I've felt this sleep deprived.  Over the past few weeks there have been a few nights here or there where I've gotten a solid 2-3 hours of sleep but mostly I'm averaging around an hour.  I try to rest when I can and although it's not the same as sleeping it's certainly better than nothing at all!

It's been a real struggle trying to help him feel better but it's been an even bigger, most exhausting struggle trying to take care of the rest of my family during this time and - in all honesty - I do not think I've been doing a very good job.  After everyone is in bed for the night I find myself being weighted down by guilt.  In the morning Kyle, Bella and Savannah have gotten their 8-12 hours of required sleep so they're full of energy from the moment they open their eyes - as they should be.  Meanwhile I've been up for countless hours 'round the clock.  I have no energy or patience.  I expect too much from them and - when they can't meet my ridiculous expectations - I yell at them.   I haven't been a Mom to them; I feel more like a robot - just going through the same motions day after day.  No one seems to notice how drained I feel.  Everyone still needs me in the constant ways I was needed before the baby got sick.  The coffee is expected to be brewing, the laundry drying on the lines.  The floors are expected to be washed, the bills paid.  The groceries are expected to be bought and the meals prepared.  The tantrums are expected to be dealt with, the kids kept happy.  It's altogether way too many expectations when I'm running on empty and more than once I felt like I was truly at my breaking point.

BUT...

My journey is starting to take a turn for the better.  On Monday Sebastian went to the Dr's for a check-up and was (finally) deemed "ear infection free"!  His fever is gone, his appetite is back and - albiet more slowly than I would like - he is returning to his usual happy, laid back little self.  He's not all the way there yet - he was spoiled when he was sick.  I held him a lot so now he expects to be held all the time!  He cries when I'm out of his sight and his sleeping habits during the night are not as good as they should be.  But he's getting there.  Every day that passes is a bit better than the last.  He's been napping great during the day - right on schedule - and I'm trying to wean him from being held all the time.  This causes some rather loud hissy fits and tears, but it's important for him to know that he's just as safe and comfortable sitting on the floor as he is in my arms.  Yesterday was one of the best days he's had in weeks!  He played in the pool for hours - soaking up the sun and fresh air.  Watching him smile and laugh and just be content made me happy and....as everyone well knows....when mama is happy everyone is happy!