September turned out to be quite an emotional month for me. One week before our big celebration (the kids baptism & the blessing of our marriage) I needed to have surgery to rid my body of the non-viable pregnancy. I kept hoping that my body would do what it was supposed to do naturally, but after nearly an entire month of waiting it became clear that medical intervention was going to be necessary. Prior to surgery I switched practices & doctor's, which turned out to be a great decision. I really like my new Dr & the practice is only 5 minutes away from our house! My old Dr didn't seem to take much interest in what I was going through. To her, my decision to have surgery should have come sooner & more easily. My new Dr was much more sympathetic. Not only did he give me a very thorough, full pelvic exam before discussing surgery, but he also let me have another ultrasound to confirm things one last time.
I wanted to have that last ultrasound, but it was extremely difficult for me to go through. Because my body wasn't showing any signs of miscarriage I think my mind refused to accept the fact that anything was wrong. I held onto hope with both hands, tightly, & by doing so I set myself up for a pretty big fall.
After that ultrasound the Dr strongly recommended surgery in order to avoid infection so we scheduled things for that Friday. I was upset but I also knew that it was time. I knew that in order for me to start to heal mentally I first needed to heal physically.
My Mom came over bright & early that Friday morning to care for the kids while Jim & I headed to the hospital. I was a nervous wreck because I knew that the procedure required me needing anesthesia. I was a mixed bag of emotions - upset, nervous, anxious - the works! I held it together right up until the nurses came to take me to the surgery room. As soon as Jim left the room I felt panic settle into my chest & by the time we had entered the surgery room I was a hot mess. I kept thinking to myself "oh my god, what if they were wrong. What if the baby is alive now?" - completely unrealistic given the fact that I had 3 (!!) ultrasounds! The nurses & anesthesiologist were so kind & within seconds had put me to sleep. The next thing I knew I was laying awake in the recovery room. My very first thought was "thank god I woke up!".
The next couple of days were difficult. My Dr prescribed some strong pain killers, but unfortunately my weak stomach doesn't allow me to take anything stronger than Motrin. The contractions were strong, painful & frequent. My overall recovery was long but that was partially due to my unwillingness to slow down. Laying on the couch all day may be an option for some, but not for me. Not with 3 kids to care for. It took about a week before I deemed myself 'pain free' but I was glad to be moving in a forward motion..with my body feeling better I was able to focus on helping my mind to feel better.
3 weeks have passed since my surgery. Physically I'm feeling 100%. I've been trying to exercise every day & have lost almost 10 lbs. Mentally I'm trying to find peace within myself. It's a process, but I do believe that things happen for reason - even if we never know exactly what the reason was. A piece of my heart will always belong to my unborn child and I don't think that my heart will ever heal completely, but my hope is that in time the pain & hurt I feel will lessen.
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