Smile

I'm joining a local "Biggest Loser" competition this weekend.   It's $20 per person and the top 3 winners split the pot - which seems to be growing on a daily basis.  Weigh-in is on Sunday and the "game" runs for 8 weeks.  It sounds motivating, competitive and fun!  I wasn't very active over the summer, which resulted in me gaining back 10 lbs.  I'm pretty sure my jeans from last winter are going to be too tight on me now, so it's time I get back into a good, healthy exercising/diet routine again. 
Today was a busy day - it was little Tommy's first day of school.  He arrived here at 7:00a and played nicely until the bus came to get him at 9:00a.  The bus dropped him back off to me at 3:30p and then he played until his Dad arrived at 4:45p.  All of the kids got along great and played well together - can't ask for much more than that!
Jim has had an incredibly busy week and is gearing up for an even busier weekend.  Once again he's in high demand but I'm hoping that once we establish some sort of a 'savings' account he'll be able to cut back his hours a little.
I continue to wait for my body to process the miscarriage, but as of right now nothing has happened.  I sometimes feel cramping, but I can't tell if it's because of the miscarriage or due to the fact that I'm feel overly nervous, stressed and anxious.  The waiting is driving me crazy so I've decided that if nothing happens come tomorrow I will call my Dr and see if she can prescribe the internal medicine over the phone.  From all that I've read, once you start the medicine your body usually dispenses of everything within 8-10 hours.  Until that happens I feel like I'm just going through the motions of every day life.  On the inside I'm mourning for a life that I never got the chance to see but on the outside I'm forced to act like everything is the same as it's always been.  It's anything but easy, but it's how it needs to be.  Kids can sense when there's something wrong.  I'm well aware that how I'm feeling and acting can directly affect their behaviors and that's the last thing I want or need to happen.  I'm not a fan of "leaning" on others during hard times.  I feel like this is my own personal battle, one I need to conquer and get through on my own.   Many of my thoughts regarding the miscarriage are anything but rational.  I saw the ultrasound, I listened to what my Dr had to say about it. The "baby" never really had a chance to form.  It wasn't much bigger than that of a pea.  There's a chance that it never even had a heartbeat.  But there's a chance that it did and that's what I think about constantly.  I played a significant part in creating a life and I can't help but feel like my body failed me.  It was supposed to provide a safe and protective home for this baby, but clearly it didn't and I feel guilty about that.
I have several friends who suffer from depression and I've never pretended to understand it.  Until now, I'd never gone through it.  Now that I'm experiencing it I feel so bad for my friends.  It's such an awful feeling - to feel sad and down all the time.
I'm so very thankful for my children, my husband, my family and my life.  I've been blessed so many times and I'm fortunate in so many ways.  My little one never made it into this world, but I'm going to try to take comfort in thinking that perhaps he/she is an angel elsewhere, in an even better place.  When I think of things in that light it makes me smile, even if it's only for a moment.