I woke up this morning feeling so very excited to head to my ultrasound appointment with Jim. We were going to hear our baby's heartbeat for the first time. Our spirits were high, our hearts light. Everything changed as soon as we stepped into the ultrasound room. I immediately sensed that something was wrong when the tech told me I'd be having an internal ultrasound, instead of a routine "over the belly" ultrasound. When I had my ultrasound two weeks ago she started off by giving me a routine one before switching to an internal one because she said the cyst was preventing her from getting a good look at the baby. Seeing as how two weeks have passed since then I thought to myself "why would she need to give me an internal now, with the baby being two weeks bigger...?" As she was preparing to give me the exam she asked me if I'd had any bleeding or cramping. I haven't. Then, seconds after she started the exam, she said "So it's been two weeks since you're last ultrasound, right? Not one week?" and then she asked who my Dr was. All signs pointing in the wrong direction. When the image on the ultrasound screen appeared I knew something was wrong. I've had enough ultrasounds to know that at this stage the baby looks like a little jellybean. The image on the screen was nothing more than a teenie tiny blip. The tech switched screens to the one where you can see the heartbeat waves and hear the heartbeat. There was nothing but stillness and silence. Devastating. All of this took place in less than 5 minutes flat. In less than 5 minutes flat my heart grew so heavy that I thought it would fall right out of my chest and drop to the floor. In less than 5 minutes I experienced such an extreme sadness, one in which words could never describe. My mind went completely blank and anything anyone said to me was lost.
The technician wanted me to meet with my Dr following the exam, but my Dr wasn't there and I didn't want to meet with the on-call Dr so instead I made an appointment for first thing tomorrow morning. I'm assuming I'll end up with a D & C, since I haven't had any bleeding, cramping or other signs of miscarriage.
But right now, in this very moment, nothing feels real. Part of me thinks that the tech made a mistake, but the rational part of me knows that that's impossible.
I have so many questions, and so few answers. And I'm betting that's how things will remain too...lots of unanswered questions.
Today was hard, but I feel like tomorrow - and the days to follow - will be even worse. Right now my baby is still in my belly, but soon it will be gone and I can't imagine the emptiness I'll feel once that happens. I'm assuming it will match the emptiness I'm already feeling in my heart.
I'll never know if this baby was a girl or a boy, but one thing that I do know is that it was so very, very, very loved.
I briefly told Kyle and Bella what happened, in a limited way. I told them that life is a miracle, an incredibly fragile miracle, and that God had taken the baby away for reasons that we'll probably never understand. I told them that maybe, once my body has healed, we can ask God to bless us again. Bella immediately said "Dear God, please bless my Mommy with a baby now!". Such sweet innocence.
I am truly heartbroken over the loss of our unborn child and it's a sadness I'll carry with me through-out the rest of my life - but I believe that God knows what HE is doing, even if I don't.
So where do I go from here? I suppose I'll just take things one day at a time. I have no idea what tomorrow will bring, so I'll cross that bridge when I get to it. I'm going to focus on getting my body healthy, focusing on keeping my family happy, focus on the many, many blessings I have in my life and move forward.
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