I realized yesterday that the harder I try to fit in with our community (in general), the more I stand out. The fact of the matter is that I don't fit in and I have mixed feelings about this.
Kyle met the majority of his friends in our neighborhood when he attended Preschool and Kindergarten. When we decided to homeschool him I put forth major effort in order to help Kyle maintain his friendships. I made sure to get everyone's addresses and phone numbers. I initiated playdates on a regular basis and I tried my best to make sure Kyle was involved in some of the activities the other kids were doing outside of school. It was a lot of work on my end, but well worth it, as Kyle has a great group of friends that he continues to hang out with. He's such an outgoing little boy and he really fits in perfectly with everyone else. The problem is that I don't fit in with the kids parents.
I spend quite a bit of time with various parents, in particular the mothers, at all sorts of activities but I very much feel like we're all nothing more than aquaintances. I've tried (many times) to initiate get-togethers with them but rarely do they accept my invitations - unless it has to do with some sort of a group activity. Rarely am I invited to any of their group activities. Infact, more often than not, I'm left out of their plans. In the past I've always just shrugged my shoulders and turned my cheek but lately I'm finding it hard to do that. I'm not sure why I feel like I'm an outcast. Everyone seems so fake when they're around me and it's becoming more and more noticable to me. I feel like they talk to me only when no one else is around. When they see me out in public they are overly chatty with me, providing none of their other friends are around. If their friends are around, then I'm pretty much ignored.
I feel like I'm being judged on my appearance, my opinions and maybe even my decision to homeschool and I'm bothered by this. I feel "too" different.
They always look their absolute best. Always. They're able to get manicures, pedicures & haircuts on a regular basis. Do they look beautiful? Of course. But I can't help but wonder if they're judging me because I don't look like that?
Their lives are simply different than mine.
It's a well known fact that I devote 99% of my time to my family. I know everyone says that I should take more time for myself but the reality of it is that, at the end of the day, there simply isn't much time left over for myself. I'm in high demand over here because, especially during the week, I'm a single parent. With the economy being as poor as it is Jim is forced to work a lot of double shifts in order to help us keep our heads above the water. It's not fair, but it's life. We don't have any credit card debt and we don't live beyond our means. We can't afford the little luxuries that others can. We make cut backs whenever/wherever we can. And we sacrifice. Part of sacrificing means that I'm flying solo Monday through Friday. Raising my kids is exhausting, but rewarding. I wouldn't change it for anything.
Instead of figuring out why I don't fit in I need to simply accept it for what it is. So I don't fit in with that particular group of people. It's not the end of the world. No one likes to feel like they've been left out and I'm not the exception but at the same time I'm not going to change who I am for someone else. I am who I am - at face value. I would much rather have a small handful of "real" friends versus a boat load of "fake" friends anyways, and I do have some wonderful friends in my life!
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