"Life Changes"

When I first created this blog I thought "Hey, what a great way to keep in touch with family & friends! A way to share recent pictures & give everyone an insight into our happy lives.." Unfortunately life is not always full of happiness. If you had asked me to describe my life less than 24 hrs ago I would've summed it up in one word..."wonderful". If I take a look at my "complaint list" from yesterday it seems incredibly small, meaningless & trivial today. The stress of having to do laundry, dishes, house cleaning, grocery shopping, bills, cooking, working & raising a child no longer seem overwhelming to me.
The word overwhelming has taken on a much greater meaning now.
As most of you know, I have a very unique, special relationship with my father. He has always been, quite simply, the greatest father a daughter could ever ask for. I say this with a smile on my face. For if you know my father, you also know that to the nakid eye he is far from perfect. He sometimes drinks a little too much. He sometimes smokes his gross cigars a bit too much. He all too often makes poor financial decisions, on a fairly regular basis! He is stubborn & tends to hold grudges. That being said, he is a hard worker. In all my life he's always had a difficult, physically demanding job. Growing up I would not have called him a "pro-active" father. As children he spent little time with us. Our time at home together was spent being forced to watch the dreadful news or "Dr. Who". We weren't allowed to go out & play on sundays..even though all of our friends could. And we always had to finish our dinner, even if it was chicken cattachorri (sp?) or one of his many "crock pot specials". (my stomach turns just thinking about it) Yet when I think of my father one word comes to mind - "perfect". In my eyes he has always been, and will always be, simply perfect.
After his divorce he became a new man. He became that "pro-active" father. He made it clear that no matter what, his four children would always come first. To this day that remains true. Looking back I realize now that most of my strong family morals & values have come directly from him. Family first, everything else second.
I enjoy sharing my life with others. I enjoy talking about my husband, my son & our family. While I will continue to do just that in my blog you will notice a bit of a twist thrown in here & there..for an insight into my life is to see not only the good times, but the bad as well.
On Thursday - November 6th, 2008 my father went in for a colonoscopy. It has been determined that he has a very large tumor growing in his rectal area. It has been growing for approx 8 months. There is a 99% chance that the tumor is cancerous. He will get a cat scan on tuesday which will reveal the severity of the situation. We do not know if the tumor is operable. We do not know if the cancer has already spread to dangerous territorities (liver,lungs etc). We have no odds or statistics to look at yet. It's a waiting game from now til next thursday, when the results of the cat scan come in. The next 7 days will be the longest days of our lives.

Day 1 - Friday
I had to call my sisters last night to let them know about Dad. There was no way to sugar coat the situation to them, much as Dad would've liked me to. I spent over an hour trying to figure out if it would be possible to break the news to them gently. It was impossible. I had no choice but to just state the facts in a blunt manner. I tried to keep an optomistic attitude towards them, but I'm sure they saw thru it. The words "optomistic" & "cancer" simply do not go hand & hand, do they? After my strained phone calls with the girls I spent the better part of the evening reflecting on what my Dad had told me. I did some research online but of course without having many details as to exactly what type of cancer he has, & what stage the cancer is in, there was not a whole lot if information I could get. The information I did get was incredibly scary. Terrifying to be exact. From what I've read, the stage the cancer is in is generally defined by the size of the tumor. Dad's tumor is very large. It leads me to believe that because of the size of the tumor, the cancer has already spread. If the cancer has spread into the lungs/liver area there is only about an 8% chance of survival. After reading that I decided it'd be best, for my own sanity, to stay off of the internet.
I knew sleep would not come easily but I went to bed anyways. Afterall, when all is said & done, I still have a little boy who needs me in the morning! Turning my mind off was not an option so instead I tried to focus on only happy thoughts. Thanksgiving has always been Dad's favorite holiday. He enjoys cooking & baking in general. And I really think he loves Thanksgiving in particular because it gives him reason to cook enough food to feed an army of people!!! We're a typical italian family. We talk too much (and too loud!), eat too much, drink too much. It's a great time! This year Sandy & Eli will be coming in from Vermont to spend Thanksgiving here. We're really looking forward to seeing them! Eli will turn 1 in just a few weeks. We're going to have a little birthday celebration for him. Dad's house will be full of children again - Brandon, Sarah, Kyle & Elijah will be taking over. I'm sure there will be lots of laughter! I'm also sure that the noise level in the house will reach a whole new level. I'm already smiling just thinking about the torture Lynn (aka "the stepmonster) will go thru. Lynn is not exactly "kid friendly". Unfortunately for her, she married a man who had 4 daughters! Lynn loves her "step" grandkids - in small, quiet doses. Rest assured this holiday season will be ANYTHING but quiet for her! It will be full of love & laughter, giggles & high pitched screams. Most of all, it will be full of memories. Afterall, a lifetime does not last forever, but a memory does.
Day 2- Saturday
Last night I had an emotional breakdown in the shower of all places. When I was done with my crying spell I felt so selfish. Imagine how Dad feels right now? To go to the dr's & be told that you have a life threatening, vicious, horrifying, cancerous tumor growing inside of you. To have so many questions, yet so few answers. He must feel so helpless, so angry, so hurt. All around us we're surrounded by evil people - rapist, murderers, kidnappers, child abusers etc. Why wouldn't cancer strike those people first - before targeting a person like Dad? A loving, caring, devoted father? Add it to the list of unanswered questions I guess. I need to be stronger. I need to find the courage to deal with the fact that Dad has cancer. I need to get over this feeling of extreme depression. I'm not the one fighting this battle. Dad is. He will need hope & encouragement from me & from our family. He will need our strength.
I called Lynn last night. I was worried about Dad because around 10:30p (late for him) he came online & sent me an IM saying that he was having trouble with his vision. He said his eyes were all blurry & he couldn't focus. I asked him if he had taken any medication & he said no. Then he said he was going to bed. I was instantly worried. Blurred vision? What in the world could be causing that? It didn't take me long to discover the answer. I really should've known it all along. Dad was drunk. Out of his mind drunk. According to Lynn, he had walked to the nearest bar early in the afternoon & drank himself drunk all day. Understandable given the circumstances. At least he had walked. He called Lynn to pick him up later on.
I'm worried about his mental state. He says things that make me feel like he's given up before he's even begun the fight for his life. Lynn says he spent most of yesterday morning organizing his office, getting things in order. He said he wanted to make sure Lynn could find things she might need in the event of his death - life insurance policy, social security etc. In his mind he has been given a death sentence. In my mind, we all have that same death sentence. I believe it's just as tortureous to not be given a time frame of when we're going to die as it is to be given one.
Today me, Jim & Kyle will be spending some time with Dad. These plans were made before Dad went in for his colonscopy. I told him I'd take him to Sam's Club to buy some stuff for Thanksgiving & Jim is going to take a look at the muffler on Lynn's car that fell apart earlier in the week. Later Jim & I plan to take Kyle rollerskating for the first time. It should be....interesting!
I feel strong this morning. I'm no longer worried about breaking down when I see Dad. We have no idea what kind of battle he is in store for until we get the results back from the cat scan next thursday. Why should I spend all my time worrying over the "what if's"? What good will that do? I'm a mother, I'm a wife, I'm a sister & I'm a daughter. I need to keep my mind clean & pure. I need to find optimism & I will. I'm confident that I will find the peace needed within myself to get thru these next few days for I know that if I don't I will not only fail myself but I will also fail my family. I do not want my son to look into my eyes & see pain, hurt & worry. I do not want my husband to feel my depression, my helplessness, my heartbreak. I do not want my sisters to see my weaknesses, my lack of control, my pessimism. Most of all, I do not want my father to see anything other than simple love, hope & encouragement. Nothing more, nothing less. I will do these things.
Day 3- Sunday
Yesterday was a long, busy but fun day! We dropped Kyle off at Dad's for a few hours so we could run to Sam's Club & do some shopping. Kyle loves spending time with "grampy" & took full advantage of having him all to himself! They played cars, ate lots of yummy snacks & geniunly enjoyed hanging out together. Dad was in good spirits too, which was a relief to me.
Jim had planned to take Kyle & I rollerskating in the afternoon but Kyle did not want to leave his Grampy. In the end, we decided to go rollerskating & then head back to Dad's for dinner. Rollerskating was quite an adventure! Although Kyle could not stand up on his skates for more than 1 minute he never got discouraged! He just kept falling & getting up, falling & getting up! I was very nervous that he was going to get hurt but fortunately he did not! He certainly looked a lot like the scarecrow from the Wizard Of Oz though..! It was after 5p by the time we finished up skating & we were all tired but we had already told Dad that we'd have dinner with him so back to Warwick we went. Dad made a delicious roast with all the fixings & had invited Carole over as well. We had a fun time hanging out. Towards the end of the evening Lynn started to openly talk about Dad's cancer. She was saying how the upcoming cat scan is simply part of the procedure & how she doubts the cancer has spread. Dad did not appreciate this kind of optomistic talk though. He simply said "Well we won't know that until thursday. It could have spread, so don't say it hasn't". The conversation was dropped. It's clear that Dad does not want to get his hopes up. Perhaps he is thinking that if the cat scan results are not good it won't be so hard for him to deal with because he's already convinced himself that he's terminally ill? I don't know. In any event, the evening came to an end on a happy note. Dad was genuinly glad to have us all there & I'm sure we helped to take his mind off of things.
Day 4- Monday
I've been having a lot of trouble sleeping at night since all of this. I've started taking my sleeping pills (Ambien) again. I haven't taken them in a long time, although I've always had trouble sleeping at night. It usually takes me a few hours to fall asleep & then I wake up frequently through out the night. I decided to start taking the pills again though because I find that when I get into bed at night the first thing that comes to mind is Dad & his cancer. I started having terrible dreams as a result. One night I dreamed about what Dad will look like if he has to go thru chemo & radiation. Will he lose his hair? Will he lose a lot of weight? Will he take on that "frail" look? Will his dark, bright eyes become dull & listless? Another night I dreamed about being at his funeral, standing in line, having to hug & shake peoples hands. I woke up feeling so disturbed. Why, in my dreams, am I acting like Dad has already lost the fight to cancer? I feel like I'm being so morbid. How can I be so optomistic during the day yet so incredibly pessimistic at night in my dreams? The sleeping pills help to put me in such a deep sleep that if I am dreaming (and I'm sure I am!) I don't remember them. I feel much more refreshed come morning time. Many people like to brag about how they've never taken any pills in their life. Good for them. I have no problem admitting that, on occasion, I do take sleeping pills! Why suffer when life is so short? To spend my nights tossing & turning, getting very little sleep, makes me understandably miserable come morning time & it carries with me through out the day. I've noticed that since I've been getting better sleep I feel better all around.
I talked to Dad online late this afternoon. He told me that he has talked to Auntie Janet & the Mahoney's about what he's going through. I'm glad he is sharing this information with his relatives. Perhaps some additional support & encouragement is just what he needs to get him through these hard times.
He's thinking about having a huge Thanksgiving get-together this year - with not only us but also his relatives as well. He said he invited Auntie Janet & The Mahoneys, to start. He said "I think everyone will come. They probably feel bad for me". I'm sure he can't stand the fact that people are worrying over him. That people are seeing him at his worst. That people are "pitying" him.
Tomorrow morning he goes for his cat scan. We're just a few days away from the results. Playing the wait game is never fun. I hope the next few days go by fast. Or do I? I don't know. What will happen if the results don't come back good? What will happen if the cancer has already spread & the drs say "you've got 6 months to live"? How will I react? How am I supposed to react? So many questions come to mind. Will I start taking lots of pictures & have endless conversations with him? How will I tell Kyle what's going on? Can I somehow figure out a way to put time in a bottle? How will I look Dad in the eyes without him seeing the fear in mine? One thing bothers my mind endlessly. Dad & I tend to communicate quite a bit through instant messenger. Every morning, as soon as I get Kyle situated & get my coffee brewing, I come online. Within seconds Dad will send me an instant message saying "good morning bubbie". Sometimes we talk through IM during the day too & always at night, once things have quieted down. I dread the day when we're not able to share in these moments. I look forward to seeing his IM's pop up & I can't imagine even one day going by without talking to him..nevermind a lifetime. I'm a grown adult & I'm scared to death of losing my Dad.
Day 5- Tuesday
I just talked to Dad on IM. He is getting ready to go for his cat scan. He sounded grumpy, probably because he's hungry! He had to fast for 4 hours this morning. We're not expecting any news in regards to the cat scan results today. Those won't come til thursday - so today is just another stepping stone towards then.
I don't plan on doing much today. It's cold but sunny outside so maybe I'll take Kyle to the park for a little while.
Day 6- Wednesday
Kyle enjoyed school today - he has so much fun playing with all of the kids! After school we had to go to Lincoln for his flu shot. He was such a brave little guy & didn't shed even one tear when he got the shot. On the way back from Lincoln we decided to stop at Dad's. Kyle had a wonderful time playing with Dad's collection of cars & trucks. As usual, Dad whipped up a delicious meal on a moments notice. It was a relaxing evening. Dad & I talked little about his upcoming appt in the morning. I think we're all in disbelief really. Of all the things thrown at us in life, why this & why now? Add it to the list of questions I guess!!
Day 7 - Thursday CAT SCAN RESULTS!!
I woke up very early today, around 3:30a. I couldn't get back to sleep. I purposely did not come online until 9:30a though. I knew Dad would be at his appt by then. I turned the computer on & tried to keep busy doing other things - cleaning the house etc - to pass the time until Dad returned. I knew he wouldn't call me with the results. Communication comes easier via Instant Message for a lot of people & we are not the exception. After what felt like an eternity he finally came online around 10:45a. By this time I felt like I was on the verge of having an anxiety attack. All morning my chest had felt very tight, almost painful. More than once I had to concentrate on taking slow, deep breaths. I think the stress of everything simply caught up with me.
So here's the good news - Dad's blood work looked excellent & the cat scan showed that the cancer has not spread anywhere. There are two tiny spots on his lung which the Dr will keep a close eye on but they are so small that they are not of concern yet. With good news, bad news always seems to follow - Dad has been officially diagnosed with Colon Cancer. He seems so young to have something so serious! He will need to have chemo & radiation treatments to shrink the tumor. Then he will need to have two surgeries to remove it & hopefully rid the cancer altogether. He is currently awaiting the call of a specialist from RI hospital to give him a "time table" as to when he will need to start treatments. Dad's Dr. told him to let us (me & my sisters) know that because there is now a history of colon cancer in the family we all need to be checked at the age of 40 for it. Ironically, after my sister Sandy did some research, it's been discovered that my grandmother - my dad's mother - ultimately died from a form of colon cancer.
It's not easy knowing that soon Dad will be involved in an all out war - a battle against cancer - a fight, for his life. He standing at the starting line of a very scary road ahead, but I really believe that he will walk down this road with his head held high. His inner strength will enable him to have the physical strength to get through this battle.